A happy bugger

A friend's son came to play yesterday afternoon. 

Quelle serenity this boy seems to exude.

Enviable!

Son#2 is sick, yet still quite loud & present.

Despite a wheezing chest and large sailor's cough.

Better give him his asthma meds.

I need to prepare work for Monday's lessons, against my better judgment.

But I can't look like a no-knowledge wally in my lessons, now can I?

Then we're going to the in-laws, who are somewhere on the coast, either today or tomorrow.

The brother-in-law and our previously-incarcerated 11 year-old nephew is also joining us.

The brother-in-law's marriage is falling apart, it seems.

So much unhappiness and despair in the world and between people.

I try to fight hard against my nature to keep looking for that which is still good.

And leave my down moments for my poor husband and parents to listen to.

 

The only thing that is constant, is change.

You have to change to stay the same.

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C'est Le Weekend: Mmmmmm

An odd week.
But at least the morning started well-ish.
Son#3 and I bonded in the living room, bathed in morning sun creeping through the curtains.
 

Played footsie for a bit.

In a little while, I'm driving to the next village to see my friend Karen, who is 37 weeks pregnant with Number 3.
The Demons of Destruction will come home for lunch.
I want to call my dad, who feels like everything is a bit hopeless and blegh.   
And it's fine to feel like that, too.

First of all, coffee.
Breakfast.
Kissing Son#3
Looking at my uber-dirty house and not planning to do a damn thing about it.
Life is short, after all.
 

Be Compassionate Today

Just compassion, today.

No reason in this world for me to be over-assertive.

Just kind.

Meet others in love and servitude.

This morning, blood tests.
Then to see my work coach for necessary guidance.
Coffee with my friend Sandra.
Home to make soup.
I even soaked the blooming beans last night.
Yum yum.

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Inuit Hunter

 

Son#1.

A.k.a. The Artist.

I've been to see my doctor.

Blood tests for diabetes will follow.

And for infection, seeing as I have a lump on the side of my face, just in front of my left ear.

Things to worry about or to just let go.

Right now, I'm sipping my coffee and pondering this gorgeous Inuit Hunter.

Proud and vulnerable.

Just like Son#1.

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Being Zen

Yesterday was wonderful.
So wonderful, that I couldn't bring myself to actually sit in front of the computer all day.

Instead, I followed the advice given by my work-coach-person:

3 Elements are essential for destressing:

Movement - Relaxation - Social Contact.

Yesterday, I accomplished all 3.
First I cleared out the crap in the playroom, then proceeded to talk to our kind cleaning lady whose life is even more of a soap opera than mine, and then I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch, reading.
Bliss.
Balance.
Zen.

But (and there is always a but), while on the couch, I stuffed my face with popcorn and then large amounts of fudge, resulting in a 6,9 blood sugar reading this morning - either the end destination for prediabetes, or the start of diabetes.
Tomorrow to the doctor.
We'll see.


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Words to live by

Life-changer.

(She wrote a nice book, so by the way!)

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Un Peu Pooped

Sleep wasn't my companion this week.
Being roused by bloodsucking mosquitoes or (bloodsucking) kids in the middle of the night, the husband is feeling out of sorts, I overdid it at work this week, my dad coming home...  
It's all a bit much.

I had a bit of a meltdown with the boys yesterday.  
There is something wrong with their volume-buttons and ability to get along.
And that, in turn, affects my volume-button and ability to get along.

When the husband started complaining about the mess that resides in just about each and every cupboard in our house, I got a wee bit annoyed this morning and got snappy.
Today, I will need to clean the abovementioned cupboards, I suppose.

What I'd rather do, is sit outside, sip coffee, later wine, read, watch my pears grow on my pear tree.



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C'est Le Weekend: 63

My dad is 63 today!
Happy happy you old fart!  

He's getting physiotherapy today.

On this side of the planet, we are sending my dad GOOD wishes, a hearty appetite for steak and cake and perhaps even a glass of wine.

Strength to get up today.

We love you, you wonderful man.

xxx

Ahem, clear throat, clear throat

So now it's Thursday already and I'm almost off to my friend Karen's for a cup of tea.
Tough week, it was.

Yesterday, needing to get out, I took Son#3 and we went to Ikea for breakfast.

Then the boys, swimming lessons, buying new swimming trunks (for €2,50 on sale!  I love cheap!), and home for dinner, then a movie with the husband.
Boring stuff, but boring is good.

My dad is still struggling to be more mobile now he's home.
Difficult if you come home, sans nurses and doctors popping by and special hospital beds with monkey chains to pull yourself up. 
He needs to rebuild lost muscle tissue, but he can do it.
I have every faith in him. 
The pathologists are testing his blood again today or tomorrow.
Hang in there, my darling dad.

I'm home alone this morning, done with work for this week, thankyouverymuch.
Son#3 at school.
Just me, coffee, a breakfast cooking in the background.
Small moments.
Pockets of peace.


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Home

The most wonderful news!
My dad is at home!

No more bloody hospitals!

 

He was brought home by an ambulance, and is now happy as a lark.

Go Daddy-O!

 

 

Yesterday, and today, I'm at work.

I was quite knackered last night, and will be tonight again, I suspect.

The husband and I watched 'Bienvenue chez le Ch'tis', which was lovely.

Then I read until 1 this morning, only to wake up again around 4.

Early to bed tonight.

 

I have coffee and work to do and my father in his own home.

Nothing to complain about.

 

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Wise Woman

My mother-in-law gave me this card for my birthday:

I'll translate it.

I was looking for wise words from Confucius, to understand life, and in seeking I understood that it's the 'seeking' that is 'Life'.

Clever lady.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

 Have a good Sunday, wherever you might be.

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Marie Curie

Marie Curie once said that nothing in life is to be feared, only understood.
Well, she understood radiation and x-rays, and eventually died of leukemia, caused by all that radiation at 66 years of age.

Mmmmm.
My dad is still in hospital, very nearly 5 full weeks.
He's just completed 5 days of radiation on his left leg and hip, a heavy dose.
When I spoke to him this morning, he sounded tired.
Says the radiation makes him nauseous and pooped.
Hang in there, darling dad.
Just keep hanging in there.

Here at home, peace reigns.
Son#2 has gone to his paternal grandparents.
Son#1, who would have bloodywell guessed, misses him terribly.
Son#3 remains wonderful.
Sigh.

The builder is here, and we're hoping he'll finish up his work today.
He starts the chimney, then continues with the window, then a wall in the playroom - but never finishes anything, it seems.

The husband is off to see Randy Newman in Antwerp tonight.
I'm going to bed early, with Son#1 who is scared of sleeping alone.
Sigh.

Work is gnawing at the back of my mind, and more prominently, a colleague, who happens to be the coordinator for our team of lecturers.
She didn't greet me on Tuesday at work - just looked at me, then walked away.
She gave me a not-so-good assessment for my annual work assessment this year, in spite of the fact that she hadn't spoken to me for over a year and a half.
She didn't reply to my emails on a too-full-workload just before the summer holiday either.
Methinks she's miffed with me.
It bugs me, but on the other hand, she has a job to do as well, and she doesn't do it by ignoring my emails or writing inaccurate assessments of my work.
I need to eliminate the emotional side of it, and focus on the facts, but it sucks if someone's angry with you.
I'd like to look everyone in the eye, and sincerely wish them well, despite possible differences of opinion.  
But not everyone feels this way.
Deep sigh.

I think it would be easier to work and NOT deal with people, but I'm starting to doubt whether such a job exists.
Teaching is quite the opposite.
It's all about people.
Sigh.
Sigh sigh sigh.

There are bigger fish to fry.
There is a bigger picture.
And my dad is the star player.


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C'est Le Weekend: Being Hopeful

My dad might be going home tomorrow, which would be wonderful after 5 weeks in hospital.
Think he has Cabin Fever.
He needs to go home.

Son#2 is off to the in/outlaws this afternoon, to be brought back by train, on Sunday.
The husband is off to Antwerp tomorrow, to see Randy Newman in concert.
Lucky fish.
Me?
I'm staying home with Son#1 and #3.
It was a tough week - starting work, my dad's situation, turning 39...

The husband and sons surprised me yesterday morning with breakfast and a decorated dining room - replete with birthday chair and bunting.
I got gifts - shower gel, gorgeous sunflowers, wine and a DVD (The Descendants - brilliant - which we watched last night).
Then my friend Karen dropped by with gorgeous painted mug, plate, more wine and hand lotion.
I'm happy.

The weather is good today - cool, but sunny.
The sunsets are slowing down.

This morning I'm taking Son#3 to play with Karen's kid.
Come back, pick up the boys from school, pack Son#2's bag for his visit to grandma, and then nothing.
Nothing is good.


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Losing is Learning

True.

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Things fall apart

I've been quiet.
Work started again yesterday.
We smile at work and cry at home.
It wasn't bad being back, but certainly daunting.
Something will be required of me again.
Scary.
I can only take it one day at a time.
 
Monday took us to Antwerp.
Just the husband and I.
We went to a beautiful Art Deco neighbourhood, Zurenborg.

Beautiful houses.
Espresso at a funky cafe.
Then Lunch at the Groote Witte Arend.

Wine.

Walk through the city.

We sat inside the St Carolus-Borromeus listening to music and thinking about the fragility of life.
A mini-holiday, that's what it felt like.

My dad fell last night, hurt his back and pelvis.
A fall is not a good thing if your bones are brittle.
Luckily he didn't break anything.
Just 3 more days and he can hopefully go home again.
My parents are getting a carer to help.
These are strange times we live in.

Here at home, Son#2 is hysterical.
School is all a bit too much for him - the change, a new class, a new teacher, and then of course the expectations he thinks will be required of him.
Poor bunny.
Son#1 is stoically quiet, happy enough if he can play computer games and not deal with his younger brothers.
Sigh.
Today home, tomorrow my birthday.
Think I might sneak off to the movies on my own.
Just for the hell of it.
A bit of escapism never hurt anybody.


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Enchanted Evening

The good husband picked apples from the apple trees.

He made apple sauce, the little old Betty Crocker that he is.

We chucked the kids in bed.

Then. 

The husband and wine.

Fire and plenty of wood from the garden.

Great conversation.

I have a good husband.

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When

 When you have confidence, you can have a lot of fun.

And when you have fun,  you can do amazing things.

Joe Namath

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C'est Le Weekend: Women's Day

I came across this the other day:

I can relate, unfortunately.

I'm holding tight to the fact that the schools officially start again on Monday.

We've been together, non-stop, since the end of June.

And I need space.

And quiet.

ALL three boys are going to school on Monday - ALL DAY LONG.

The husband took Monday off, and we're going to Antwerp.

Nobody's snot nose will need wiping.

The husband won't cry and throw tantrums, run in front of cars, scream at me.

I hope.

We had to make an early start this morning, because my car got a new front window from that boom at my work's parking lot that fell on my car last year.

My exhaust is buggered too.

Sigh.

I don't like spending money I don't have.

Think it's time to trade in my gas-guzzling minivan for something more economic (and in better shape).

Then we drove to the Action to buy cheap new carpets for my car.

I cut 4 of my fingers in the process of getting the staples out of the carpets.

Mmmmm.

Think I need to sit quietly, sip coffee.

Just for a little while.

Until the PMS and uncoordinated movements-that-result-in-injury actually stop.

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Tea break on the Thunderbirds' set

Miracles are possible.
It's just after 10, and Things #1 and #2 haven't yet had a good fight.

We're drinking tea.

 
The garden-service-person was just here, sort of gave an estimate (gulp) for pruning 4 trees and laying a new lawn.
Then the builder showed up - he's busy building a brand new chimney (the old one's bricks were loose little stone leaves, you could literally pull the bricks out - nothing holding them together).
My car is going to the garage tomorrow morning for a new window, and to see what is wrong with my exhaust - another €500.  
Two and a half grand in one week...  
But that was the scary-money-part-which-I-refuse-to-think-about-any-longer.

I spoke to my dad yesterday!
He sounds so much better, and his muscle strength is returning, slowly but surely.
He feels a bit down in the dumps, but that's to be expected after 4 weeks in hospital.
He starts radiation next week for the tumours in his leg.  
Hang in there Daddy Dearest, you're doing great!
Screw you, Multiple Myeloma, you're not getting my father.

Our day, here in the Nether Lands, is uneventful.
I just want to clean stuff.
What could possibly be wrong with me?
It might be the no-wheat-policy that I've been maintaining now for 4 days.
Wheat sucks.
I even feel hormonally balanced, which I might tell you, is a bloody miracle in itself.
See?
Another miracle.
And the sun is shining again.


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Change is the human condition, you know

We wish to constantly change our lives, ourselves, our bodies, others.

But often it's a wish, and it remains a fervent wish, and we think that wishing it will make it so.

At least, in my immaturity, I often think along these lines.

The Dalai Lama wins another point.

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It looks like rain

I've been very, very good.
Yesterday I actually managed to clean out half my kitchen's cupboards.
Quite a feat, I can assure you.
I did my errands, racing to pharmacies for Son#2's asthma medication, picking up kids, cooking dinner.
I'm superwoman.
I just didn't pay my bills.
Sigh.

Today I have to clean the rest of the kitchen, including my uber-dirty fridge, talk to a neighbour about a children's philosophy course she's teaching next week (and we're hosting 2 of the participants in our guest apartment).
Look for my missing-and-desperately-needed-phone charger.
Wash my hair.
Buy blackout window screens for the guest apartment.
Riveting stuff.
But busy.

This afternoon, Son#1 has swimming lessons, but before then, we're meeting up with a friend and her kids at a nearby playground.
If the weather holds out. 
Lots of rain on the way.

Phone my parents.
(I wish I was THERE, so I could KISS them).
 

But first.
Son#3 is attacking me with a blue snake.

And then Superman showed up.

And Batman.
Sigh.
Just another day in Paradise.

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Dallying with the Dalai

Time passes unhindered. 

When we make mistakes, we cannot turn the clock back and try again. 

All we can do is use the present well

The Dalai Lama

The husband rests but cannot find peace.

The kids scream and fight and laugh, listen, don't listen.

The cat pees on the front door mat, despite our efforts to curb her transgression.

The bills and paperwork pile up higher and higher, and I feel powerless to even attempt doing something about it today.

My father is still in hospital, getting a bit stronger, day by day.

My mother is tired, but has to continue.

I have issues with energy, stress, pain and sleep.

There is no-one else who lives our lives.

No-one else will ever walk in my shoes, live in this body of mine.

 I cannot change the past.

And what will come in the future, will come, whether I want it or not.

All I can do, is use today well.

Accountability:

I will sort the paperwork.

Pay the bills.

Do the dishes and the laundry.

Kiss my kids.

Buck up.

Smile.

And enjoy it.

 

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Music

We had a horrible night.
Horrible.

I took a sleeping tablet, needing a good night's sleep desperately.
Mmmm.
Some bad reaction to it followed - restless legs times gazillion.
Son#2 pitched up somewhere during the night, with bad asthma and a tantrum.
Sigh.
Again at 6, asking for a damn apple.
(Swear word, swear word) 
After all the tantrums by Son#1 at grandma's yesterday, I'm kind of low on patience today.

I feel awful and sick and blooming tired, and hormonal.
Not a good combination this morning.

Now we've been sequestered to my studio, while our wonderful cleaning lady can clean our house.
Thing #1 and #2 are actually not fighting for the moment, but painting together, and not making too much of a mess.

Every now and then, Thing#1 takes a break for a Musical Moment on the keyboard.
Just what the doctor ordered.


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Do what you can (according to Lao Tzu)

 

Fill your bowl to the brim, and it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.

Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench.

Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner.

Do your work, and step back.

The only path to serenity.

Lao Tzu

(A.k.a. my new philosophy for my life)

Today, we're driving to my in-laws' to pick up Son#1, whom I have missed terribly.
And I'm cleaning the house for the cleaner who is coming tomorrow.
Stupidity, I know.
But I have my pride.

I'm pooped - I only fell asleep at 2h30 this morning.
Sigh.


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And so

And so we begin another day.
The heat had us all so exhausted, that we slept until aaaalmost 8 o' clock.
Son#2 with me, the husband in Son#2's bed.

I cycled to the village shop this morning for croissants and orange juice.
Breakfast.

 

I'm going for a walk in a little while.

Try to get my mind off work that is looming over my head and will commence again in 9 days.

Feel like digging my heels in and refusing point-blank to cooperate.

Maturity sucks.

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Attack of the Killer Midges & a trip to visit city-farm-life

Out of sheer boredom, beautiful trips are born.
One moment, I was sniffing around on the internet looking for a petting zoo in the neighbourhood, and the next moment, we were at a train station, waiting for the train to take us to Dordrecht.

We waited.
And waited.
The train was delayed, and the midges took this golden opportunity to eat us alive.
They were everywhere.
It's now about 5 hours later, and I can still find midges on me.

The Weijzigt Urban Farm was extremely easy to find, right next door to the station.
Nice playground, and the boys immediately got an ice cream each.
For free!

We looked at all the animals, and Son#2 insisted on giving this Lakenvelder cow a 'cow massage'.
Not sure that the cow was impressed.
Sigh.

We moved through the 'park' - for lack of a better word.
Geese, cows, ducks, pigs, donkeys, goats.

When we were finished the boys (and I) got yet another ice cream, again for free, from the organisation itself.
They had some kind of special day - handing all the kids vouchers for free juice, candy, chips, cookies and a small gift.

Then things got fantastically interesting because the fire brigade showed up, and started spraying all the kids with water.
Super.
Son#2 was soaked to the bone - matted, wet curls and pants.

Happy.
Son#3 was slowly expiring from the heat. 
Even my camera went wonky from the heat.

Then the swings, where the moment I looked around for Son#3, he walked into the retreating swing Son#2 was sitting on, knocking Poor Thing #3 off his feet, and flat on his back.
Sweet bunny, he cried terribly. 
Will have to watch him for concussion, methinks.

Then, another short walk into the city park next door, lots of seemingly hopeless men and down-on-their-luckers.
Son#2 chased the wildlife around and then insisted on going back to the urban farm to pet the goats.
Mmmmmm.

You see him thinking:  How should I approach this?

 His brother, scared to death.

 Aaaaaaah, here he is with his favourite goat.
Our little Goat Whisperer.

Now we're home.
We're lying low for a bit. 
I have to start cooking beans in a minute, and I don't feel like it.
And I still have bills to pay, and I don't like that either.
Sigh.

But I phoned my mom, and that was lovely.
And Son#2 just gave me a fat kiss.
And then swore.
Sigh.
Long sigh.


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